I don't know what to write.

I am sitting here wanting to write, but I am not sure what to write. I have these moments where I have millions of thoughts running through my head and I try to remember them all so I can get them on paper, that doesn't always turn out though. When I was in Creative Writing, my teacher used to say just write, even if it begins about nothing, it will turn into something. You can't know how right she was.

My life has been a good one yet rocky one. Compared to most, I can say I have had a wonderful life. It does however have its dark moments(like everyone). I grew up with my mom and step-dad. I saw my dad every other weekend. That was it , no more. I always did wonder why he didn't come more often than the courts required him too. There was plenty he could have done. He could have come to soccer games, volleyball game, dance( there was so much dance). I think about it all the time. My relationship with my dad. I wish it was better. But I can only do so much. When I was younger, I would just let it pass didn't think anything of it, or so I thought. As I got older I tried to call him out a couple of times. I wrote some nasty letters, explaining to him how he has been a void in my life, how he truly doesn't know me at all. Multiple times I did this each time getting nastier. I never got a response from anyone of those letters/emails. Oh how I wanted a response, reaction, just anything. I wanted my dad to know me. I wanted my dad to love me. I honestly thought he didn't care.

When my friends see it, and even his side of the family sees how he doesn't make efforts, you know something is up. It always hurt so bad. I hid it pretty good. Blew it off to most people like I didn't care. Deep down in the core of me I always cared. Why didn't he see me more, why didn't he call randomly, why did he talk to my brother more than I? These are just a few of the questions that ran through my head. I know he traveled a lot when I was growing up, but I don't think that should or can be an excuse to not see your children on days besides the court ordered every other weekend. When I graduated High School. He was there which was awesome. But he didn't stay after to congratulate me. He left right away. That stung.

There was this one time I do recall he reached out. I was dating Dean( dumb ass Dean) It had not been to long we were still in our very first apartment. I would say just under one year. I had written him one of these nasty, you are a horrible father letters. I guess sitting here as I ponder this memory, he did reply. But not to my letter. He asked me to go backwards from my life. Move back home, and go back to school( college) I had started to work at Household. I had to quit Jamba Juice, because the money was so tight. Anyways onto the point( I tend to stray off). He did reach out, he wanted me to end my relationship with Dean and move home and go back to school. His antic at this was he would still pay for school. I was young, "in-love" and had strong not so great feelings for my Dad. So I said F-you. And went on with my life. I guess he saw what kind of spiral relationship I was falling into. So I give him that, so thank you Dad. I wish I saw it too, before it was too late. But I dont' regret anything. Everything is a learning experience.

But After that he would do things to hurt me, probably without him even knowing that he did. There are so many things that I can list of the ways my dad hurt me. One of my biggest ones was my Fresham/sophmore year in High School. I was coming out of an extremely rough year. Richard was almost at his worst for drinking and I moved back and forth in a matter of 6 times in two months. But that is a whole other story( which I will write about). So I was working on this year long project about the Incas. I was so facinated. I put all my hard work into it. I still to this day, strive to go to Machu Pichu. I was passionate about Peru and all the history that it had. I had also discovered my love of Flowers. I did a wild flower project and fell in love. Anyways, I had this opportunity to go to Belize and Peru with my science class to study things in the rain forest for one week. Awesome I know. Mom did not have the money. She had sent both Dan and I to Washington DC the two prior years. So I was prompted to ask my Dad for help. So I sucked it up and was so hopeful, I knew he had money. He said no, He said I would find something I was more interested in when I got older. I didn't even fight back, because being around my dad is like being with someone I am not comfortable around. I can't always be myself with him. I was so hurt. How could my dad not fork over the $1800 for one week, which included flight, lodging and food. I was overwhelmed with sadness. My dream just got vanished. I look back and think if only he knew me, he would of understood. But he didn't know me so he can't know. So I watched that dream wash away.I am still hopeful oneday that I will be able to make it to Machu Pichu.

My wedding. I loved my wedding. I would do the exact same thing over and over again. It was a perfect day! It was hard for me during the planning phase. My mom was a wedding goddess. She took over and was so organized. Together her and I worked magic. We really had a gorgeous wedding for not super alot of money( in todays wedding standards). We did so much ourselves, cut corners where we could and still I had the wedding of my dreams. When talking budget we had a goal of $10k. alot I know. but in wedding standards its not bad. This includes EVERYTHING. I opted to put most of my money into photography. over one quater of it. I wanted to have my pictures be my focus because I would have them for life. I still look at them probably every couple of weeks. I am in love with them, and that wonderful day. I told my dad from the beginning I was going to keep him in the loop. And I did. But It was fighting tooth and nail to get him to help. I may be super shallow and may be making it sound like I am bitching about my dad. But I just trying to express how I feel when my dad is absent. I don't mean any harm, I am just expressing how I feel. I am not going to lie I can be a bitch. But like I said just putting my feelings out there. He didn't want to help, at least I felt that way. He did help set up I am SO gratefull for that. He helped pay for photos and beer and alcohol. I am so grateful. And georgina( his wife, my step mom) made me two very beautiful ring bearer pillows(which are on my bed daily! and a wedding purse and many many lasanga. But like I said, I felt like it was a battle, I felt like he didn't want to contribute. You do need to know, everything he does means so much to me. I cherish it, because it is far and few between. I didn't want to have a father daughter dance. I did with my step-dad. He and I are like one person. Its insane how much we are alike. But I felt that I would never find the song with the right words to dance with my dad. I didn't feel like we had this bond. So what was the point. So I left that dance out all together. I kind of did not tell my dad. When he asked me at my wedding when this was going to happen I told him I wasn't having one. I didn't not want to have the dance only with my step dad and not my dad. That would just be cruel. So I opted to dance with Bryce. Which I did. I honestly wish I could have the father daughter dance. With both my Dads, I do regret it, ALOT. I get teary thinking that I didn't do that, and can never go back. But I don't feel like we are father and daugther. But I love my wedding and everything he did to help I truly appreciate 200%.

I was at work one day, just thinking about my dad again. And I decided yet AGAIN to write him an email about "us". It had been many years since I had done this. This time, I was very nice and calm and honest. We both have done some hurtfull things, but I don't want to regret not knowing my dad etc etc etc. Well almost a week had gone by and I got no response I was at my whits end. I had had it, I was out to my birthday dinner with my mom and sisters. I told them what I had done, then blew it off like whatever. I am good at that. But deep down,it is not whatever. I long for a close relationship with my dad. I cried the whole way home about it. Wondering why he didn't reach back. I got home checked my email and I about died. He responded. After 29 years of my life and trying to communicate with him he reached back. I couldn't speak. I was in shock. I had to wait a couple days to reply, just to make sure it was real. It was. So the both of us. My dad and I have said we are going to make 09' our year to become closer. I hope this is true. So far it seems to be faring well. We have been emailing/texting more often. which is nice. We seem to be keeping one another up to date on what is going on life. We used to not really do this. Its good. I am feeling good so far. I planned a birthday dinner for him and my step mom Georgina. It should be fun I am looking forward to it. From what you have read it sounds all negative. It is not. I have my good memories too. Like the pumpkin pie incident. Damn, I can still see it so clear to this day! Dad's retirement party, boy were we tanked!! All the awesome boating trips to Lake Merwin. I just wish they weren't so far apart. When we are together, I have a great time. Its just the lapses in time is what bums me out. but I hope to change that this year! Okay. I am sure you are all done and exhausted with me talking about my dad. But Damn it feels good to get it out.

Love, Stephanie.
ps. To my dad, I really hope we can make this our year! xoxox